So, I grew up in a very devout Christian home. I was baptized as a baby (where my parents basically stated publicly they'd raise me up in church and lead me into a personal relationship with Jesus). Anyway, one of the HUGE issues for me is not knowing when I was initially saved! I know it had to be before I was baptized when I was 8 year old. When I meant with my Pastor with my mother sitting beside my Pastor asked me why I wanted to be baptized. Now, I am pretty embarrassed to say it but I answered "I want to go swimming!" He had to explain to baptism is. I told this to the Pastor I meant with last month and she explained to me that as an 8 year old that is a common reaction. It also means I was NOT ready to be baptized and probably shouldn't have been. Also, the fact that I have no memories of actually being baptized is a sign I wasn't ready. She told me baptism isn't recommended for anyone under 10.
As a teenager and young adult, there was just this huge void that I can't really explain. Not knowing when I was first saved or having any memories of it. Not having any memories of my baptism. I remember as a child my faith was so strong and connected that that most important piece of the puzzle blended in with everything else. Everyone around me seemed to remember "that moment" in their lives of being saved. Everyone has such special memories of their baptism. For me, as a high school student and young adult, this void was found no more profound then at baptism services. It was like I was missing out on something.
These two things negatively impacted me spiritually. I couldn't believe what the Bible said about me because I didn't know when I was first saved. I was like "Am I really a child of God? I don't remember anything!" I don't even remember the conversation with Mom telling her or telling anyone!
In 2013, my best friend at church moved with her family 45 minutes away. Things as church started to change negatively for me. When she left, I still had my Young Adult Sunday class for a while and that was good. I think they tried to make me included. After awhile, the group dissolved and there was literally no where for me to go. I attended a different SS class but there were a lot of older people and they were wonderful but I couldn't get really anything out of the lessons because it was way over my head. In 2015, we got a new Pastor and while he is an amazing guy who truly cared about me but the sermons didn't really speak to where I needed. People started ignoring me and I'd end up along sitting in the lobby just waiting to go home! Sunday mornings were the loneliest time of the week.
My mom sensed enough of a change that she reached out to another mom who's daughter was going through the same thing. She said her daughter just couldn't do it anymore and left. She started doing her own thing at home and was doing better than she had in a long time. My mother talked to me about this and I immediately started to cry. I knew what she was saying. She was letting me go and find my own way. I started staying home from church and watched church services online and I was happier and relaxed and was growing for the first time in several years. We knew it was a band-aid fix though.
My mother probably did the kindest thing for me when after several weeks of home churching she took me to Meadow Park Church of God in June 2017 just to see how I liked it. It was close enough to my former church it wouldn't cause any problems if I found that it was what I needed. My first Sunday there was also the first Sunday of the new Lead Pastor! His sermon was something that spoke directly where I was and he had started a new sermon series called "Fresh Start." I can't really explain but I came out of church that first Sunday actually EXCITED!!! Long story short- I have been there ever since.
God to the point of not having a relationship with Him. I was in Church and I was technically growing but I was kinda on a hamster wheel. There was still the void every baptism. The questions. The emptiness. The self-loathing. The fear. The anxiety,
What made me realize all this was my Pastor's sermon series on The Prodigal Son in Luke 15 during Christmastime. It wasn't until then how deep and far the damage went. On New Year's Day I get on facebook and saw something that changed everything! A lady I had been just started talking to the month before was tragically killed in a car accident on her way home from church on New Year's Eve! People were sharing all their memories and stories about her faith. I realized it was not exactly what people would say about me. I'll very simply say that I got right with God that day- and wasn't going through the motions. I sincerely meant it,
I've taken steps backwards but I think overall I am more at peace then I was before. I may never have those answers but I have NEW answers and the void and the questions and doubts are still there! I still get scared and worry more then I should but it is NO WHERE to the degree it was as before. I still have some days when I think "I hate myself" but those are also decreasing.
I still sometimes worry about not having those "first" memories. When I was first saved and when I was baptized at 8 but I don't feel as bad for not remembering when I was baptized. I don't think I remember the first time I was saved was because as I explained before my faith as a child was so strong I think it all blended together.
