Victim to Victor

Let's be honest! Life can be cruel, and people can be even crueler! We can do absolutely nothing wrong and be completely blindsided the next minute! I have been a victim of people telling me what I cannot do. I was told to my face that I would not about to anything. I have been denied jobs and worse because of people not giving me a chance and putting me in a box because I look a different way and act a different way. They don’t understand that if they work with me, I can achieve my goals and their goals! I do my best and do all the right things such as regularly touching base and asking questions. 

I should have peace, but while I know I do all the right things and leave no stone unturned; I take everything- including what other people say and do onto myself. In other words, I take their words and actions and make them apart of my identity, so I feel miserable, anxious, and depressed. 

God says in His word, we are more the conquerors in Him, and no weapon against us still stand. We are called to be victors instead of victims. How do we stop seeing ourselves as victims? I think it is sometimes easier to live as victims because we get to hold onto instead of moving forward. Moving forward seems scarier. I know for me, sometimes I fall into a mindset that I DESERVE to miserable because "IT IS MY FAULT." This is personalizing a situation and not seeing the many aspects of the situation that may indeed not be 1. Be your fault 2. Could be more about the other person then it reflects you. 

Here are some practical steps you and I can take starting today to move us from victim to victor.

1. Don't personalize the situation if you did everything you could and do not understand. There may be moving parts behind the scenes that have nothing to do with you. 

2. Memorize scripture that show victory. My personal go-to verse for such situations is Proverbs 31:25 - She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

3. Write down the opposite of what you are thinking and feeling. Train your brain to focus on positive things and not negative things. 

4. Go to God first. It is easy to vent to friends first and this seems to be our natural go-to but our natural go-should be to go to God first. 

March 9, 2004- Choosing Hope

 

                                         

March 9, 2004 changed my life forever. Before I go into that day, I must tell you what lead up to this day because it is just as important! This blog entry will go into the darkest time of my life and I tell it because it is so important. even if it reaches one person. Several years later, it is a story that still reaches people and helps them choose life.

I turned 14 in May of 2003. I won't into the why but that summer I became extremely suicidal. I had even written a suicide note. I started 8th grade that fall. I started having seizures nonstop almost immediately at the beginning of the school year and my depression went even deeper. Between my depression and seizures, I could not attend school full time and was almost kept in 8th grade and almost placed on in in-home instruction. On December 2, 2003 I was in the ER all day mainly because of the severity of the seizures. It ended up being a waste of time and no one saw me that day except for a Child Life Specialist.  When I got home, I went into a total meltdown and telling my mother "I just want to die!" and "I am going to kill myself" repeatedly. This was ironically also the anniversary of my sister's death. I will never forget the love and strength and calmness she showed that day.  We put on Princess Diaries, and I fell asleep with my head on Mom's lap. The next day, she had me home from school. She made several phones including my Youth Pastor, Dr, school, and put me on every prayer chain she could find. My Dr immediately referred me to see a psychiatrist and got an appointment only because I was suicidal. They had no openings and had to squeeze me in. 

Three months later, my Grandfather completed suicide. I will never forget anything that happened that day. Getting home from school and Mom saying she had to check on Grandpa because Dad had not heard from him all day and it was out of character. I remember the Police Officer knocking on our door to check on my brother and I who were minors at the time and to make sure someone would be with us soon. I remember picking up the phone and Mom telling me to put my brother on. I remember him talking to her and will never forget how he handled me so well. He said "No! No! No!' to Mom so I knew something was very wrong. He told me to sit down and said, "Grandpa killed himself this afternoon." I will NEVER forget what he said to me after that most importantly. It still speaks to me today. It was like God speaking through him. He told me. "Stop! I know what you are thinking! Stop!" (he knew I was thinking if our grandfather could kill himself so can I) "You have something that Grandpa did not have. You have hope!" I will NEVER forget that. 

My Grandfather's decision made me see what would happen to my family if I went through with my plans and I knew I simply could not do it. 2 months after his suicide, I turned 15 and survived the most awful year of my life when I wasn’t even sure I'd see 15, I knew I had chosen life for good! I will never forget that my Youth Group had put a huge Surprise Birthday party.. cake, decorations and presents included. It was the first time in that whole year where I was able to laugh, smile and be happy! I hadn't been that happy for so long it took a long time for me to get use to it. The depression and seizures were still there. I still had see my Psychiatrist often but I knew I survived and that was the biggest hurdle. I have not been off an anti-depressant since I was 14 but I am a fighter. 

His decision to complete suicide is what ultimately drove me to CHOOSE LIFE! It took a LONG TIME. I had so many people praying for me. They prayed I'd choose life, see the light, and find my way back God (I turned my back on Him the summer of 2003). I started attending Youth Group at a new church which I'd attend until I was 28. I didn't really like Youth Group because I didn't fit in and no one really understood me. I would attend Central Ohio Nazarene Youth International Winter Retreat in West Virginia with them and 600 other teens all 4 years of High School. This the best part of Youth Group for me. I never felt so close to God and felt His presence in such a powerful way to that point! Those 4 Winter Retreats changed everything for me more then all my appointments with my psychiatrist. I felt so close to God and felt His presence in t

My last Winter Retreat in 2008 when I was a Senior was the one that brought about total healing for me. I didn't spend too much time with my Youth Group that weekend because after the first service we had I knew I needed to be alone and figure things out, let go of anger over my seizures, and just had a lot to work through. I got right with God that weekend and came back to Him. I remember coming home and feeling a freedom I had not felt in 4 years. One of my classmates even commented on my demeanor the next day.  

Because I chose life I graduated from high school. I have been able to travel a lot and see friends around the country. I graduated from college with honors. I became an aunt in 2017 to the most precious little boy.  I learned how to cook. I work full time in my field. I have been able enjoy so much all because of 2 simple words... choose life! That's literally all it takes. 

I hope you never have to learn things the way I did. I hope you never have to go through everything I went through that horrible year This story does have take-aways though no matter who you are.

1) You matter to people more than you know.

2) There are so many blessing in everyday life. 

3) Healing is slow sometimes, but it is there.

4) Hope is always there and comes from people you least expect it to. 

5). Choosing life is an everyday decision and life is more than just getting through the day. Life is inside us, it is in the blessings, it's in those quiet moments and family noisiness! It is in the mundane and extraordinary!