When I was in 8th grade, I went through an extremely dark period in my life. During that summer in 2003, my entire personality changed. I stopped writing. I wrote a lot before then. I stopped singing. I turned my back on God. I became extremely suicidal and depressed. I behaved horribly because I had so much anger. I would draw a picture of a stick person and would draw lines going out from the stick person. I would write words like "mistake" and trash." This was how I expressed my emotions to my parents about how I saw myself.
I started 8th grade and a few weeks afterwards the seizures and tics started. My depression and suicidal thoughts also become more severe. I had a Special Education teacher that year who happened to be a Christian. She had my one of my brothers previously and knew my parents. She knew I was being raised in a Christian home. Despite it being a public school, she prayed for me when we were in the classroom alone together. She would tell me that God had a plan for my life and He was going to use me. I can still hear her saying "Kick Satan in the butt!" She told me that God was going to use what I was going through. She would remind me of Jeremiah 29:11 that reads "For I know the plans I have for you." declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.
She had the gift of discernment and knew I needed to actually see what she was talking about- that I needed to tangibly see God using me and His plan for me. Early into the school year, she talked to the teachers in the Daily Living Skills class for children with severe disabilities. After talking to my mom, she asked them if I could help out in their classroom on a regular basis. I would see them in the mornings before school, when I went to school in the morning (I was unable to handle a full day of school so flip-flopped my morning and afternoon classes with adapted assignments). I helped them out on field trips, took some of them to the cafeteria to get their lunches and helped them bring it back to their classroom. I would have lunch with them everyday. I remember my time in that classroom and how much it helped me see that there a purpose for my life. I helped the teachers with the kids but I got so much more out of being in that classroom then I probably gave. I found my purpose in life and that was to help kids with disabilities. I did not stop working with them after I went on High School. I continued to hang out them and have lunch with them. I considered it to be safe place for me when I couldn't emotionally handle being in the regular lunch room. I remained a part of the community and it changed my life forever. I was able to heal because I was given the opportunity to serves these kids and their teachers and truly make an impact. These were the kids that were often ignored but I was able to connect to them. I was able to see beyond my own pain and think about others and although I was still depressed and suicidal I was able to hang out that lifeline and it saved my life.
My time in their classroom actually lead to the major I chose and the career that I love- Early Childhood Development and Education. Yes, these kids were not early childhood but I was able to think about a career in education because of my time with them. I decided in 8th grade by working with them that I wanted to a Preschool teacher. I want to work with children like them but at a much younger age before they begin school. I want to work in an inclusive classroom where they are taught with their typically developing in a way that is appropriate for them. I want to work with their parents and guide them through the Special Education process. I want to tell them my story and give them hope if they want to hear it. I was once in a preschool classroom like that- as a Special Needs student. My mom would literally carry me in to school because I could not walk very well. I want to give them hope for their children and learn that a diagnoses is only a diagnosis. It is such a small part of their child.
Serving and thinking of others is truly one of the best cures for depression. If I hadn't been able to spend time with those kids everyday I would have missed out on knowing what it is I am suppose to do! We get so caught up in how we are feel that we forget that there are other people going through things that are much more challenging. When we serve them, we feel better and we find our true healing. Serving those kids in 8th grade and High School was what healed me.
We live in a world where we are told told to "look out for number 1." We place our identity on petty things like the number of likes we get on facebook, our degrees, our careers. Wouldn't we feel less anxious if we focused less on ourselves but focusing on others instead? Isn't that what Jesus did? He did not think of Himself at all. Remember what you do for the least of these, you do onto God.
