Life in The Box

It started with a simple phone call. Ever had a moment in your life when the phone rings and all the sudden life as you knew it is turned upside down and changed forever? It happened a few weeks after I turned 14. It was Tuesday. I was on the recliner when the phone rang. My father picked up and I knew immediately it was my brother's fiance. They had just graduated college. Well, that phone call I would later find out was to inform him she took of the ring on graduation day and the engagement was over. I would find out even later that she said she did not want to get married because of my mother and I- with me being most at fault. Remember, I was just a 14 year old and because of developmental delays I was more like 12.

When the phone rang, I was reading my Bible and my Mom was saying how unusual it was for a 14 year old to be doing such a thing as reading the Bible. This was just the girl I was- before the phone call rang.  Little did I or or my mother know how long it would be till I picked up and read a Bible again. Looking back, the irony of me reading the Bible when the phone rang is truly amazing.  Before the phone rang, I had a faith that so strong and beautiful and childlike. I knew the Bible inside and out and God and I were on great terms.

After the phone call rang that little girl got lost. I stopped reading the Bible and my poem writing days were history- never to come back again. I walked away from everything my family believed and everything believed. Now here is where the title of this entry comes into play. That summer, I became someone I and my family didn't know. I would do this drawing to express how I was feeling. There is a stick person inside a box. Inside the box connected to this person were words such as safe, love, and peace- basic warm fuzzy words. Here is where the disturbing part of the picture. Outside of the box I wrote words such as trash, hated, mistake, stupid, worthless. When my mother found these pictures she asked me what I meant. I told her when I am by myself I am fine but when I get outside the box I felt those ugly words. I would continue doing it throughout this summer and instead of throwing them out, Mom kept them because she thought she would need them later and she would. She would show them to my psychiatrist months later.

The point this story that eventually I had to get out of the box. Yes, it is safer to be inside in our little box where nothing from the outside can hurt us. Where we can withdraw like a turtle with it's head in it's shell. It is harder to get out of the box and get our head out it's shell. If we truly want to live the way we're meant to we need to get out of our box. As scary as it it is we have to trust people. It is a very scary thing to do- I know! I have been let down by people time, time, and time again. In order to learn to trust people again I had to get back to the faith I had as a child- something I am still working on. I think it's something every person who has been a Christian for a long time like myself deals with. I am learning that our relationships with people is directly influenced by our faith.

Getting out of the box is really hard and very scary. Sometimes I still prefer to stay in my box! If we stay in the box we are missing so much! I now have amazing friends I know I can trust. Friends who are patient with me and my battle with anxiety and depression. Friends who are just a text away. I am learning that life outside the box isn't as scary as in the pictures I drew. There are places to go, books to read, the sun is shining even when it's raining because of the people in my life. There are obstacles to overcome and things to do! Sometimes we need to go back and get in the box and retreat. This is where we can go back to reflect and collect ourselves. We just can't stay there because life outside the box is beautiful!