In Our Weakness

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

What are you going through right now? Do you feel weak- physically and emotionally? Perhaps, you may feel a little bit both! I am going through a rough patch physically because of Turner Syndrome. Well, it is a consolation to know I am not alone, and other sisters have gone through this, it is very hard to know, that it happened much older for them. So, here I am 35, and having to think about things no 35 y/o should have to think about it. I get scared! Mornings are the hardest for me right now because of the amenia and I can very moody just because I don't feel good most of the time! To add to this, my treatment plan has been tweaked and while I am much more stable, it is hard to know if it is because of the change made. Sometimes, I also wonder if my moodiness is because of the change in my treatment plan. I do think the change is temporary, but I am not sure about that. 

There have been times during my time in the hospital, and since I got home where I will literally cry out to God to help me. Moments when everything seems to much to much and I am tired. Where I feel at the end of myself. Some days all I can do is keep going. I know I must keep as much normalcy as possibly even when I don't feel good at all. If I didn't push myself (not too much), I would be more depressed and anxious. I do know my body and if it tells me something, I will listen but so far, I don't feel the need to make any changes. 

Despite everything, I do see God working things out for in me in other ways. Before I got sick, I really couldn't see what God WAS doing for me and that He was interceding on my behalf. Now, I can see it and am able to appreciate it. I can trust God a lot more, even though somethings it is still struggle. While sometimes, I still think "it's all on me," more and more often I realize that is not this case because I can see God going before me and working things out and that is what keeps me going. 

So, no matter what you are through, know you are strongest in your weakness. Use this for your advantage! Try and see the big picture. If things are not going well for you in one way, look at how well things are going in another area! Make a daily effort to look for ways God is working in your life. This will help you feel calmer and more centered because you starting to see God work in ways you did not see before. 

On Unanswerable Questions

There are questions, we all want answers to. These are questions that can weigh you down and keep you up at night. These questions go way deeper than "What's for dinner." These are questions about things that have caused us great pain.

Let me tell you mine. My question is "Why did my sister have to pass away and why did I get to live?" My sister had a severe congenital heart defect (CHD). She was born in July 1982 and passed away December 1982. When my mom was pregnant with me, they did not know I was fighting for my life and only have a 2% chance of being born alive. When I was born and it was discovered I was a girl, because of my sister, my heart was checked immediately. It was completely fine. This is amazing because heart defects are one of the causes of the 98% high mortality rate during the pregnancy of someone with Turner Syndrome. This makes my question even so much stronger! In my darkest moments, I do think it should have been and not my sister. Sometimes I think she would have been the better daughter, sister, and Aunt to little Zachary. Sometimes, I feel God could have used her a lot more than me. Sometimes, I think she could have done so much better in life, gone far farther, achieved more if she had the opportunity. 

I know my questions are normal, I know "Survivor's guilt" is a very real thing. I can give myself grace in those moments. The thing that gets me through those times is the promise that one day this question be answered. One day, I will understand. One day, I will meet my sister and we’re able to all the things sisters do this side of heaven and more! 

Things happens that we simply will not be too able to have an answer to this side of heaven. Parents’ divorce, kids develop cancer and pass away, a drunk driver can take the life of 2 brothers the night before their sister's wedding. These are just some examples. What we need to remember though is we live in a fallen world. God did not say this life would easy or that there would be freedom from tragedy. He did promise us peace. He promised to never leave us or forsake us. He promised us a day when there would be no more tears or pain. 

My Uncle passed away very unexpectedly the beginning of the year. When we saw him for the last time last December, he could not stop talking about heaven. At his funeral, we played a song about heaven and now every time I hear it, I cannot help but think of him. The song is called Hymn of Heaven by Phil Wickham My Uncle did not go to church. He was an outdoors man, and very much a reader. He loved the living in the woods. When my mom offered to help move him closer to us, he said "I need my woods." He knew His God. He knew the Bible inside and out. Listen to the song below, and worship Him and know that one day, your questions will be answered, and pain and tears will be no more! Praise God! 

Lessons Learned In the Hositial

I was in the hospital for 4 days and 3 nights because of something that can happen with Turner Syndrome. We still do not know why it happened. I take my treatments religiously because I know this can happen if you are not consistent with your treatment regimen. I kept blaming myself- until I got home and checked the situation, and saw I was consistent with everything- just as I had thought. There is NO explanation to what happened.

On Thursday morning, I woke up in complete medical distress. I could not stop moaning and could not stop crying. When I saw my mother for the first time that day, I grabbed onto her and moaning, all I could say was "Help me!!!!!" She told me to message my Dr, but I told her this is not one of those situations but that I need to get to the emergency room right away. I had seen post on Facebook from other ladies in the past who had this happen to them, so I know what to do and the protocol to recovery. 

I have learned lately, that you can learn about God and see God in every situation- if you look it to. There were some God-sightings for sure though-out this experience. 

1) I had an appointment with my hand surgeon that morning... the lady who got me scheduled for my CT-Scan, looked at me and my mom told her I was very sick, and she was taking me to the ER. She told her to take me to the Advance Urgent Care onsite and they could transport via ambulance. At Urgent Care, they took my vitals immediately and my blood pressure was dangerously low, and my heart was racing. Once they connected me to the IV, my BP improved almost immediately, and my heart rate settled. They called for the ambulance, and I was transported across the street. When we got there, they were stunned to find me already connected to an IV because "they never do that!" Who knows what could have happened if I wasn't connected to an IV right away?!!! It was MIRACLE. 

2). I learned that I have a major influence in my family! On Friday, I just started crying and telling my Mom, "I need my baby!" She asked me to text my sister-in-law to see if they could come down on Sunday. She texed me back within 30 minutes and told me my brother had to work, but they would be on their way as soon as he gets off! My time in the hospital brought my whole family together! I couldn't have asked for anything more!!! 

3) Most of the Dr's knew Turner Syndrome at the hospital. My Dr after I was admitted knows someone with TS! This made everything so much less traumatic. This was really blessing and when I had to advocate for myself, they did listen to me. 

4) I had a LOT of visitors and was prayed over. I can't say how much that meant to be. It showed me how much people do care about me. I tend to think that I don’t matter, and I have nothing to offer people so when I had people come into visit me it told me, I was loved, and I do have something to offer. Their visits meant the world to me, and I will NEVER forget those wonderful people. I learned God knows exactly what we need, and He will work to the ends of the Earth to provide it for us. They wanted me transferred to another, but I had been transferred it would have been a lot harder for me have visitors because of the location. Where they did send was convenient for people, so I was visited. My mom told them not to send me where they wanted to because it would be too far away. She fought for the best hospital that didn't make it impossible for them and other visitors to come and comfort me. 

5) On Saturday night, I was depressed. I hated my body and I hate myself. I was tired of everything must be a struggle for me - my health, finding a good job, making social connections. All I could do was cry out to God and said, "I need you!" and He came. He told me He was with me and everything is going to be OK. I learned sometimes, all we may able us is "Jesus, I need you!" or as I told to my mom moaning "Help me!!!!!" 

6) I tend to put work ahead of everything and sadly it can be idol to me. When I was in the hospital and even now (I can't go back to work on Wednesday), that my physical, mental and spiritual health are the most importand thing and work is secondary. It woke me up and helped me reshift my priorioties. Seeing new blood transfered into my system and getting 5 blood transfusions, I learned the very fragility of life. I was told at discharge, I had lost blood that I basically had whole new blood in my system. 

Find Your Voice

 If you are like me, confrontation is hard. Speaking up in general is challenging. You keep wondering if what you have to say matters. You wonder if you have anything to contribute. You wonder if your feelings matter. You wonder if what you have to say is important. Well, I am here to tell you have a voice! It is important! You must use it! Why? Well, God has given each of us a message only we can say. Even people who are non-verbal have a voice! They talk through adaptative technology, PEC Cards, and body language. Just because they cannot talk verbally, doesn't mean they can't talk! It only means the way they communicate is different than ours and that is alright! Since we have established that every human has voice, we can establish the fact that if we do not use the individual voice God has given us, that we are not able to be all God made us to be. 

For some of us, we may find we find a way to communicate in a way other than words that is easier and more comfortable for us! People communicate in painting and other art mediums, music, writing and many other ways. If you are more comfortable with this don't be afraid to use it! As a matter of fact, I encourage you to use it regularly. The more you communicate in the way that is most comfortable for you, the easier it will be. I prefer to communicate through writing. I remember when I was a teenager, when my mother and I would have a fight, after we calmed down, I wrote out a letter to her apologizing and what I was really feeling. These letters made things a lot better for my mother and me. I was able to communicate to her in a way that was the most comfortable for me. My therapist recommended recently that because of my anxiety, when I need to talk to my boss about something, to write it out and put in the office. I have done this sometimes and it has really helped, and I have never questioned why I put it in writing and did not say it verbally. If I am asked, I would say that because of anxiety, it is easier for me to initiate some communication through writing before it is verbally discussed. Anxiety is major mental health issue, and a lot of people deal with it so any employer would need to understand and cannot discriminate because of it. 

I hope this encourages you. I hope you feel better that you can communicate in many ways outside of words. When we do not use our "voice", the world misses out on who God made us individually to be. I know it is scary. I know it can be hard to trust people when we have been so hurt in the past!!! I have beat that drum and I know what is like! I have learned that if you don't past it, we are not giving people in our life right now a chance. It is not fair to them or to us. We need to learn our way to communicate like I stated above and when we should respond. For example, I learned I cannot talk to people in moments of anxiety, and I need to cool down first. Once I cool down, I can communicate from a less emotional state of mind. When I talk it becomes more based on facts then emotional. 

You have a voice. You are important! You have something to offer! Your feelings matter!! If you think anything less, they are from the Devil himself! Do not let him win!!!! 

Serving Is Healing

When I was in 8th grade, I went through an extremely dark period in my life. During that summer in 2003, my entire personality changed. I stopped writing. I wrote a lot before then. I stopped singing. I turned my back on God. I became extremely suicidal and depressed. I behaved horribly because I had so much anger. I would draw a picture of a stick person and would draw lines going out from the stick person. I would write words like "mistake" and trash." This was how I expressed my emotions to my parents about how I saw myself.

I started 8th grade and a few weeks afterwards the seizures and tics started. My depression and suicidal thoughts also become more severe. I had a Special Education teacher that year who happened to be a Christian. She had my one of my brothers previously and knew my parents. She knew I was being raised in a Christian home. Despite it being a public school, she prayed for me when we were in the classroom alone together. She would tell me that God had a plan for my life and  He was going to use me. I can still hear her saying "Kick Satan in the butt!" She told me that God was going to use  what I was going through. She would remind me of Jeremiah 29:11 that reads "For I know the plans I have for you." declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.

She had the gift of discernment and knew I needed to actually see what she was talking about- that I needed to tangibly see God using me and His plan for me. Early into the school year, she talked to the teachers in the Daily Living Skills class for children with severe disabilities. After talking to my mom, she asked them if I could help out in their classroom on a regular basis. I would see them in the mornings before school, when I went to school in the morning (I was unable to handle a full day of school so flip-flopped my morning and afternoon classes with adapted assignments). I helped them out on field trips, took some of them to the cafeteria to get their lunches and helped them bring it back to their classroom. I would have lunch with them everyday. I remember my time in that classroom and how much it helped me see that there a purpose for my life. I helped the teachers with the kids but I got so much more out of being in that classroom then I probably gave. I found my purpose in life and that was to help kids with disabilities. I did not stop working with them after I went on High School. I continued to hang out them and have lunch with them. I considered it to be safe place for me when I couldn't emotionally handle being in the regular lunch room. I remained a part of the community and it changed my life forever. I was able to heal because I was given the opportunity to serves these kids and their teachers and truly make an impact. These were the kids that were often ignored but I was able to connect to them. I was able to see beyond my own pain and think about others and although I was still depressed and suicidal I was able to hang out that lifeline and it saved my life.

My time in their classroom actually lead to the major I chose and the career that I love- Early Childhood Development and Education. Yes, these kids  were not early childhood but I was able to think about a career in education because of my time with them. I decided in 8th grade by working with them that I wanted to a Preschool teacher. I want to work with children like them but at a much younger age before they begin school. I want to work in an inclusive classroom where they are taught with their typically developing in a way that is appropriate for them. I want to work with their parents and guide them through the Special Education process. I want to tell them my story and give them hope if they want to hear it. I was once in a preschool classroom like that- as a Special Needs student. My mom would literally carry me in to school because I could not walk very well.  I want to give them hope for their children and learn that a diagnoses is only a diagnosis. It is such a small part of their child.

Serving and thinking of others is truly one of the best cures for depression. If I hadn't been able to spend time with those kids everyday I would have missed out on knowing what it is I am suppose to do! We get so caught up in how we are feel that we forget that there are other people going through things that are much more challenging. When we serve them, we feel better and we find our true healing. Serving those kids in 8th grade and High School was what healed me.

We live in a world where we are told told to "look out for number 1." We place our identity on petty things like the number of likes we get on facebook, our degrees, our careers. Wouldn't we feel less anxious if we focused less on ourselves but focusing on others instead? Isn't that what Jesus did? He did not think of Himself at all. Remember what you do for the least of these, you do onto God. 

What is Rest?

What does it mean to rest in God? This is a question in which I have wracked my brain to find the answer for. Let's get going! There is a lot of meat to this biblical issue of rest. 

We are a society, where the more you do, the more successful you are or the more successful you will be. 

We are on hyper-overdrive with commitments, text and emails to respond to, phone calls to make. The list goes on and on. We are overstimulated but because of the nature of our society, we do feel overly stimulated. This is why we need to hyper-vigilant of our mental health. Anxiety and and depression are on the rise, because of the face pace in our society. We are not in Mayberry anymore- as nice as that would be. Let's digest ways to find rest though our relationship with Jesus. 

The first thing is that worry and faith cannot coexist together. When we pray and start worrying about what we pray for, we in effect cancel out what we had just prayed. 

We can only find spiritual rest when we stop trying to do things in our own strength and when we invite God to bring spiritual rest and renewal. 

When we acknowledge who God is and that He is the creator of us and everything we see, our spirits lift. We learn to rest in God when we remember He is our helps and hope. True rest can be found simply by praising Him for who He is- despite how we feel in the given moment. 

Here are two ways to find rest in God. 

Casting Your Cares- casting Him our cares like a fisherman cast fish. When we give our worries to God, we are assigned help, rest and hope for getting through it. 

Release Attachment to Outcome- No longer living in fear of "what-if's or lose faith when things don't go our way. When we pray this way, we trust God with the outcome and give Him control. 

I hope this helps you and I find REAL rest in a society that forgets what real rest is! 

When Fear Calls

Fear is an ugly 4 letter word. It is draining. Fear can lead into depression. It can also cause one to feel discontent. 

I was listening to a podcast this afternoon. It is of a sermon. The Pastor had an illustration that really helped me. I am very visual and what he said really stayed with me. He had his phone keep going off while he was talking. To make a long story short, he said he did that on purpose. He said he wanted to show that no matter how many times a phone may ring (or in this case fear), we do not need to answer it.  We can dismiss it. He also took it a step further saying that Satan calls, we can decide to dismiss him. If he want us to feel bad about ourselves, we can dismiss that to. 

There are going to be days where fear calls us more than other. There will days when Satan tries constantly to get through to us. We have a choice if we answer the call or dismiss it. Somedays, it will be harder to dismiss the call the others. Days when we don't feel good physically are a good example about days when it is harder to dismiss Satan's calls. This is because we are weaker and more vulnerable when we do not feel good. 

I hope this helps you as much as it helped me. I am going to wrap this up with a song and a verse to encourage us as we learn to decline those calls from fear and from Satan! 

Psalm 31:25- She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future