Hanging onto the Light

Last year, I faced a challenge when I was taking my driving test. My driving test failures in the process of getting my license knocked me down.  I wanted to give up. I didn't think I could pass. I learned from that experience about being totally dependent on God. I KNEW I could not pass the test and get my driver's license without Him. On the 3rd test, as I engaged the ignition I said "Jesus, take the wheel" and He did! I passed driving AND maneuvering with 100/100! 

Right now, I am facing a battle that makes me feel defeated like I did last year. It is hard and it is exhausting. I keep praying, depending on God and just telling him to take the wheel. I wish everything did not have to battle for me. My height turns people off and automatically assumes less of my abilities than I am really of! 

I am doing everything in my power to remain emotionally stable because I know my family's history of mental health issues and my own struggle with mental health issues. To be totally honest, when I was 14, I became having thoughts of suicide that lasted for 3 years. I know because of my history, I can become suicidal again, so I need to be very careful. When my grandfather completed suicide when I was 14, I told myself I would not do it and I am very firm on that promise to this day. I take that oath very seriously.

To keep my head about water, I read the Bible and study it daily. I have started volunteering working with the teens at church. I am praying and mediate and listen to music. I started a facebook group today for Christian ladies living with Turner Syndrome. I try to cultivate an attitude of gratitude, like with my height, I am thankful it has not impacted my ability to drive a car. I can drive my car as is and not have any modifications needed except for a seat cushion. I try to think of my circumstances in light of Esther... "Perhaps you are here for such a time as this." 

Last weekend, a TS Mom and I hosted 10 ladies of faith living with Turner Syndrome for retreat. One of the things I briefly discussed with them was that there are 2 types of success... there is a Godly worldview of success, and secular worldview of success. I read them the verse from John 6:29- Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.” This is what God is saying when he talks about his yoke being easy and his burden being light. This is ALL he is asking of us! This is what success is. It is counter cultural. Some people who don't believe may even call us nuts. Remember, though, we are all going to before God someday. I'd rather be on the right side when that happens. 

In summary, one of things I try to do to hold on and keep on going on is serving, reading the Bible and studying the Bible, and music and meditation. When I get down, I try to remember the Godly worldview of success and work on adopting it instead of the secular worldview of success. There are always going to be hurdles but God is our Good Shepherd who guides us along the path. When we get our minds of ourselves, when we step out in faith and not give up even when when we are tempted we are showing faith in the most powerful way!

LET'S TALK! Bible Study, Sermons, and Neurodiversity

As someone who is neurodiverse, listening to sermons and engaging in private Bible Study, is something that has been harder for me. As for the sermons, I would understand them. At absolutely no fault of any Pastor (I've been blessed with many for all 37 years), being neurodivergent has made it extremally hard to know how to apply what I hear. I would hear it, but the brain-heart connection has been a struggle. If you are neuro-typical, please don't stop reading because this help you as well. 

Now, bear with me, because I am going to be talking about AI. I am as spectacle as anyone about AI and it's seemingly dominated role in society. There are major issues that need ironed out with AI. I am, however, going to introduce you to 2 apps that have changed my life and made things so clearer for me which has in turn helped strengthen my faith. 

It started in December, when I discovered BibleNotes. It is an app that uses AI to translates sermons in their entirety and then also will summarize the entire sermon and breaks it down for you. It gives you clear ideas about how to apply what the sermon said into your everyday life. It also gives you flashcards with trivia and insights. This app has been such a game changer because for the first time, I am able to go to church and not have to worry about missing anything. I am able to apply sermons into my life for the first time in quite possibly 37 years! This app is an annual paid subscription. I got a good locked in discount but would pay full price for it because it has made what has been impossible for me before.

Before I go with the next app, I am going to go "low-tech." I ordered a Bible Study Journal on Amazon. This has been a great tool for me as well. It has several area... theme, when, setting, key verse, events, interpretation and application. It also has a section for Sermon Notes that I use BibleNotes to fill in. I can give you a link to what journal I specifically use. I use the app. Gemini (Google) to help me connect those dots which is something I haven't done since very recently. Just like with the sermons, I am able fully understand what I am reading, pick up it's context and also to how for the first time, I am really able to understand how to apply it into my life! 

What helps you get the most of sermons and individual Bible Study?

Neurodiversity in a Neurotypical World

When most people think about neurodiversity, they automatically think autism. What people doing realize is there are conditions that can lead to neurodiversity. I am neurodiverse and just beginning to embrace it and what it means. While, I never qualified for an autism diagnosis, I have several neurophysiological evaluations that show I am not neurotypical. 

It is hard living being neurodiverse in a neurotypical world. Things that come naturally to others do not come naturally to me. It is very hard for me to mingle in with the neurotypical environment that is unstructured. Things like knowing how to enter a conversation and initiating a conversation are really hard for me. I can do it but it is not my favorite thing to do. When socializing, I prefer a structured setting where it is easy to know what the expectations are and when I know someone will be there I can trust. I thrive best in environments where things seldom change. When I know what I will be doing and what is expected of me, I thrive! 

There are a lot of neat things about being neurodiverse and it gives me a lot of strengths. One of the strengths it's given me is a love for words! I am tested as verbally gifted and using "big words" really gives me a leg up in the workplace, interviews, and general social settings. Words are a safety net for me because I am so short. When words come out of my mouth, people are more prone to respect me as an adult. 

I am very good with movie quotes. I can remember movie lines to line! This is really fun and sometimes I need to curb it back a little because it becomes a safety net I use too much in conversation! 

I have a lot of empathy for people who are misunderstood and it gives me a unique strength to conversing 

with them and understanding them. 

I see things in a different way than some people may. If people give me a chance, I may be able to help them fix something in a way they didn't think about! 

While being neurodiverse comes with challenges, I wouldn’t be me otherwise. Despite the challenges there is so much beauty! 

The Best GPS

Last weekend, I was driving to see a friend. I was very proud of myself. Going to the park I did so well but coming home, I got confused about where the GPS was telling me to go and went the wrong direction. My GPS was able to know where I was and where I needed to go and they adjusted the course. I drove way out of the way, but I got home. If I did not have GPS, it would have been a disaster. 

This whole ordeal made me think about God and how He is the ultimate GPS for our lives. When we got lost, He is the One who brings us home and when we lose our way, He is the One who gets us back on track. 

God is always there to lead the way. He paves the way before us. He knows what will happen before we do and has it all planned it. Is it hard? Yes! Frustrating? Yes! The good news that our feelings don't dictate reality. Just because we feel God isn't there leading us and loving us, it doesn't mean he isn't there.

So, next time you get lost and use the GPS for directions, remember God. The best GPS! 

How Do You Walk?

How do you walk? Do you walk with your head down like the world is agaisnt you or do you walk with your head held high? How you walk speaks volumes. 

When I was in the 8th grade and in a deep depression, I would walk with my head down and one of my teachers spoke to me about it. She told me to hold my head high. She taught me what it looks like when one walks with their heads down vs one when they walked with their heads held high. 

As Christians, we are made to live in victory and walk in victory. Walking with our head down doesn't show our reality of being made victorious through the death and reseccurection of Jesus Christ. 

We are more then conquerors.. We are hears of our Father; whatever He has from God, we also have. We don't have to walk around with our heads down and shoulders slumped. No matter what goes our way, God is on our side. 

So, next time you walk, think about how you walk and make a choice to live in the victory of Jesus today. 

Early Morning Drives and Braclets

My day starts before the crack of dawn. My alarm goes off 4 and I get in my car about 10 till 6 for my shift. It is not easy but I can do it and being off at 2 is a perk. 

Music is a big a part of my life. It seems to be more even more so now. When I drive and listen to my music, I feel the very presence of God in a tangible way. There are songs that play from my phone on my way into work that are exactly what I need for that moment and that day. 

I wear a lot of bracelets... I have one that simply reads "God Is In Control" and F.R.O.G. (Fully Rely On God." and I have bracelets that have Bible verses on them. These give me visual cues that help me focus on God when I get anxious and things simply get to feel too much for me. I am a very visual person and this is actually sometime a former therapist had suggested for me and I still use it today because I feel how well it works for me. 

God uses different ways to connect to connect with His children in a way that unique for them. For me, it just so happens to be music and bracelets, and yes even early morning drives. What does God use to reach you when you need Him the most. 

There is song by Mandisa called God Speaking and it talks about how God will use anything to get a whole of us... and some of these are unexpected. As you listen to the song, think of ways how God meets you in expected ways. 

Hitting The Road with Turner Syndrome (Literally) and what's Next!

I am writing this to assist other butterflies by giving them some knowledge from my journey and for everyone else to learn what I learned from driving training and what it means to me to be a successful driver living with Turner Syndrome and Nonverbal Learning Disability. 

I have always wanted to see if I could drive. My motto had been "I just need to know for sure... if I can't drive that's fine but I need to know for sure." Some employment challenges lead me to Vocational Rehabilitation through Opportunities for Ohioans with Disabilities. This was a VERY hard decision for me to make because I don't like being seen as having a disability. I have a medical condition which leads to challenges. Turner Syndrome is not a disability in and of itself although some of the challenges that come with it can cause disabilities. 

Anyway, to make a long story short, my vendor through Opportunities with Ohioans with Disabilities has a Driving School as part of its services. This meant that ALL of my lessons were paid for by the state. They also helped me prepare for and take my written test so I could get my temps. I found out that I had to have a job for this and I am so grateful for my job at Wendy's because otherwise I would not have been eligible for this service. Not only did they pay for driving school but they payed for Pharmacy School as well! 

Now for the lessons! It took a major commitment of time! I would mostly do my lessons on Sunday afternoons but also sometimes on Saturdays and before work.  I thought college was emotionally challenging but learning to drive was a lot harder. I had to face so many challenges related to my mental health with driving... I had to learn to believe in myself, learn how to control my anxiety, and utilize all my strength when I didn't pass the first two times to not give up. My parents would have to give me confidence when I didn't have any. My brothers and sisters-in-laws and even my little nephew also supported me. I remember driving Zachary (with a licensed driver and permission from his parents) and he said, "You did great!"

Towards the end of my driving school journey, I learned that I could not get with my license without God taking the wheel on my behalf. I was too weak and just didn't feel like I could do it! To bring some perspective- driving is the hardest thing for ladies with Turner Syndrome. This is because of Nonverbal Learning Disability which 90% of us have. Related to driving, NLD causes us to have visual-spatial challenges as well issues with depth perception. To get my license, I literally had to not only not listen to the people who said I couldn't do it but I also had to overcome the challenges caused by Nonverbal  Learning Disability. It is a literally a  battle!!!! 

To end, I did it!!! I prayed before every test and asked God to take the wheel and on the third time, I PASSED and got my Driver's license!! Not only did I pass, but I passed PERFECT on both maneuvering and driving!! This is what a butterfly does!!!! We don't settle!!! My instructor sent me the results with the score, and I will keep it forever!!! 

So, what is next for this butterfly? I am still working at Wendy's while in Pharmacy School for some source of income. After Pharmacy School, I will go back to the vendor who will help me find a job in Pharmacy as a Pharmacy Tech and once I land a job, I will have Job Coach the first 3 months that will work with me and the employer. They will then phase out but can come back if needed. Sometimes, I doubt myself there but then I remember what battle I just won and it motivates me to not give up! 

So many things had to fall into place, and in God's time it happened! It really happened!!! Did it hurt? YES! Was there frustration and tears? ABSOULTETLY! The take-away is fight but fight with God on your side. I didn't until I made it to the testing period. It was then, I realized I couldn't do it on my own. Don't settle for what people say you can't do! Set out to prove them wrong! If it is God's will- you WILL prove them!!!