Last year, I faced a challenge when I was taking my driving test. My driving test failures in the process of getting my license knocked me down. I wanted to give up. I didn't think I could pass. I learned from that experience about being totally dependent on God. I KNEW I could not pass the test and get my driver's license without Him. On the 3rd test, as I engaged the ignition I said "Jesus, take the wheel" and He did! I passed driving AND maneuvering with 100/100!
Right now, I am facing a battle that makes me feel defeated like I did last year. It is hard and it is exhausting. I keep praying, depending on God and just telling him to take the wheel. I wish everything did not have to battle for me. My height turns people off and automatically assumes less of my abilities than I am really of!
I am doing everything in my power to remain emotionally stable because I know my family's history of mental health issues and my own struggle with mental health issues. To be totally honest, when I was 14, I became having thoughts of suicide that lasted for 3 years. I know because of my history, I can become suicidal again, so I need to be very careful. When my grandfather completed suicide when I was 14, I told myself I would not do it and I am very firm on that promise to this day. I take that oath very seriously.
To keep my head about water, I read the Bible and study it daily. I have started volunteering working with the teens at church. I am praying and mediate and listen to music. I started a facebook group today for Christian ladies living with Turner Syndrome. I try to cultivate an attitude of gratitude, like with my height, I am thankful it has not impacted my ability to drive a car. I can drive my car as is and not have any modifications needed except for a seat cushion. I try to think of my circumstances in light of Esther... "Perhaps you are here for such a time as this."
Last weekend, a TS Mom and I hosted 10 ladies of faith living with Turner Syndrome for retreat. One of the things I briefly discussed with them was that there are 2 types of success... there is a Godly worldview of success, and secular worldview of success. I read them the verse from John 6:29- Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.” This is what God is saying when he talks about his yoke being easy and his burden being light. This is ALL he is asking of us! This is what success is. It is counter cultural. Some people who don't believe may even call us nuts. Remember, though, we are all going to before God someday. I'd rather be on the right side when that happens.
In summary, one of things I try to do to hold on and keep on going on is serving, reading the Bible and studying the Bible, and music and meditation. When I get down, I try to remember the Godly worldview of success and work on adopting it instead of the secular worldview of success. There are always going to be hurdles but God is our Good Shepherd who guides us along the path. When we get our minds of ourselves, when we step out in faith and not give up even when when we are tempted we are showing faith in the most powerful way!
