March 9, 2004- CHOOSE LIFE!

March 9, 2004 changed my life forever. Before I go into that day, I have to tell you what lead up to this day because it is just as important! This blog entry will go into the darkest time of my life and I tell it because it is so important.. even if it reaches one person. Several years later, it is a story that still reaches people and helps them choose life.

I turned 14 in May of 2003. I won't into the why but that summer I because extremely suicidal. I was even suicidal at the Turner Syndrome Conference that summer in Orlando. I started 8th grade that fall. I started having seizures nonstop and my depression went even deeper. Between my depression and seizures, I could not attend school full time and was almost kept in 8th grade and almost placed on in in-home instruction. On December 2, 2003 I was in the ER all day, When I got home I went into a total meltdown and telling my mother "I just want to die!" over and over.

Three months later, my Grandfather completed suicide. I will never for anything that happened that day. Getting home from school and Mom saying she had to check on Grandpa because Dad had not heard from him all day and it was out of character. I remember the Police Officer knocking on our door to check on my brother and I who were minors at the time and to make sure someone would be with us soon. I remember picking up the phone and Mom telling me to put my brother on. I remember him talking to her and will never forget how he handled me so well. He said "No! No! No!' to Mom so I knew something was very wrong. He told me to sit down and said "Grandpa killed himself this afternoon." I will NEVER forget what he said to me to after that most importantly. It still  speaks to me today. It was like God speaking through him. He told me. "Stop! I know what you are thinking! Stop!" (he knew I was thinking if Grandfather could kill himself so can I) "You have something that Grandpa did not have. You have hope!" I will NEVER forget that. 

His decision to complete suicide is what ultimately drove me to CHOOSE LIFE! It took a LONG TIME. I had so many people praying for me. They prayed I'd choose life, see the light, and also find my way back God (I turned my back on Him the summer of 2003). I started attending Youth Group at a new church which I'd attend until I was 28. I would attend Winter Retreat in West Virginia with them and 600 other teens all 4 years of High School. Those 4 Winter Retreats changed everything for me more then all my appointments with my psychiatrist. My last Winter Retreat in 2008 when I was a Senior was the one that brought about total healing for me. I didn't spend too much time with my youth group that weekend because after the first service we had I knew I needed to be alone and figure things out, let go of anger over my seizures, and just had a lot to work through. I remember coming home and feeling a freedom I had not felt in 4 years. One of my classmates even commented on my demeanor the next day.  

My Grandfather's decision made me see what would happen to my family if I went through with my plans and I knew I simply could not do it and 2 months after his suicide when I turned 15 and survived the most awful year of my life and wasn't even sure I'd see 15, I knew I had chosen life for good! The depression and seizures were still there. I still had see my Psychiatrist often. I have not been off an anti-depressant since I was 14. 

Because I chose life  I graduated from high school. I have been able to travel a lot and see friends around the country. I graduated from College with honors. I got to meet my nephew last year! I learned how to cook. I work full time in my field. I have been able enjoy so much all because of 2 simple words... choose life! That's literally all it takes. 

I hope you never have to learn things the way I did. I hope you never have to go through everything I went through that horrible year This story does have take-aways though no matter who you are.

1) You matter to people more than you know.

2) There are so many blessing in every day life. 

3) Healing is slow sometimes but it is there.

4) Hope is always there and comes from people you least expect it. 

5). Choosing life is an every day decision and life is more then just getting through the day. Life is inside us, it is in the blessings, it's in those quiet moments and family noisiness! It is in the mundane and extraordinary!