Bangor Chronicles: At Church

December 24, 2017- Bangor at Meadow Park Church of God 

I am a member of the Church of the Nazarene. I have been a member of the Church of the Nazarene since September 11, 2006 when I was 17. I love the Church of the Nazarene and always will. It holds a special place in my heart. 2017 threw a curve-ball that I was not at all anticipating. I am not going to say anything bad about the church I left. I will suffice it to say, I reached a place in my life where
it was time for me to move on. My parents knew it and I knew it. In June, my mother took me to Meadow Park Church of God. Ironically, it was also the Senior Pastor's first Sunday. His sermon challenged me and spoke to where I am in my life as I face the unknown. He preached about difference between our expectations and anticipating what God is going to do. When my mother and I headed back to our car I told her "This is it! I just know it!" The thought of it being a different  denomination  didn't bother me at all because I was finally receiving what I needed and need so desperately. I also learned through my mother that the Church of God is very much aligned with the Church of the Nazarene.

During the summer, I merely got my feet wet. In September I dived in full throttle and have grown in leaps and bounds ever since! I am involved in Sunday School where I loved and accepted. On Wednesday night I am part of a Bible Study for young adult women. Now I look forward to going to church! I feel I have a place! The Bible Study is probably one of the best things that happened for me in 2017 because before that time I had nothing available like that for me. I came into Bible Study that first night feeling so nervous but when I got home I couldn't stop talking to my mother about it! I found what I had been looking for so far too long. I am go thankful for my Wednesday Bible Study and I finally feel like I have local friends for the first time in a long time! My depression is better and my anxiety is better.  Everything about my life has improved ever since that first Sunday my mother took me to Meadow Park Church of God.

Sometimes life throws us curve-balls and we can choose to either go with them or roll against them. I was very scared and nervous that first Sunday. I knew how much I wanted it to work especially because it close to my parent's church (the church I left) and transportation wouldn't be an issue. I started going to Meadow Park as a 28 year old who was going into her last semester of college. I was dealing with severe anxiety and mild depression. I was very shy and insecure. Since that June day, I have blossomed! I contribute to Sunday School and Bible Study. People really value my insight. If I went against the curve-ball I wouldn't be where I am today. I have made a complete turn around in my life. I am so grateful for it!

Introducing the Bangor Chronicles

Introducing Bangor! Bangor is a stuffed animal moose that we found in a hotel room that we brought in 2015 with the money going to sick children. Bangor was found in Bangor, Maine so when my mother asked what we should name our moose I suggested we name him Bangor and that has been his name ever since! My mother suggested that starting in 2016, one family gets him for the entire you. Our objective is to take him to a lot of places, take pictures of him and document. Sounds kinda cheesy right? We do not care! Life is meant to fun! This is finally my year with Bangor! He will going to a lot of places this coming year including Disney in February, Arizona and Texas solo with me in May, and possibly Arlington, Virginia! I will be doing my documentation here which is how I feel most comfortable putting it all together. So without further to do I am introducing a new part of the blog called The Bangor Chronicles! You will know it is Bangor blog when you see Bangor Chronicles. At the end of next year, I am going to print all these out and put them in a notebook with page protectors! Where will Bangor go this year? Stay tuned! Oh the places we're go!

Life in The Box

It started with a simple phone call. Ever had a moment in your life when the phone rings and all the sudden life as you knew it is turned upside down and changed forever? It happened a few weeks after I turned 14. It was Tuesday. I was on the recliner when the phone rang. My father picked up and I knew immediately it was my brother's fiance. They had just graduated college. Well, that phone call I would later find out was to inform him she took of the ring on graduation day and the engagement was over. I would find out even later that she said she did not want to get married because of my mother and I- with me being most at fault. Remember, I was just a 14 year old and because of developmental delays I was more like 12.

When the phone rang, I was reading my Bible and my Mom was saying how unusual it was for a 14 year old to be doing such a thing as reading the Bible. This was just the girl I was- before the phone call rang.  Little did I or or my mother know how long it would be till I picked up and read a Bible again. Looking back, the irony of me reading the Bible when the phone rang is truly amazing.  Before the phone rang, I had a faith that so strong and beautiful and childlike. I knew the Bible inside and out and God and I were on great terms.

After the phone call rang that little girl got lost. I stopped reading the Bible and my poem writing days were history- never to come back again. I walked away from everything my family believed and everything believed. Now here is where the title of this entry comes into play. That summer, I became someone I and my family didn't know. I would do this drawing to express how I was feeling. There is a stick person inside a box. Inside the box connected to this person were words such as safe, love, and peace- basic warm fuzzy words. Here is where the disturbing part of the picture. Outside of the box I wrote words such as trash, hated, mistake, stupid, worthless. When my mother found these pictures she asked me what I meant. I told her when I am by myself I am fine but when I get outside the box I felt those ugly words. I would continue doing it throughout this summer and instead of throwing them out, Mom kept them because she thought she would need them later and she would. She would show them to my psychiatrist months later.

The point this story that eventually I had to get out of the box. Yes, it is safer to be inside in our little box where nothing from the outside can hurt us. Where we can withdraw like a turtle with it's head in it's shell. It is harder to get out of the box and get our head out it's shell. If we truly want to live the way we're meant to we need to get out of our box. As scary as it it is we have to trust people. It is a very scary thing to do- I know! I have been let down by people time, time, and time again. In order to learn to trust people again I had to get back to the faith I had as a child- something I am still working on. I think it's something every person who has been a Christian for a long time like myself deals with. I am learning that our relationships with people is directly influenced by our faith.

Getting out of the box is really hard and very scary. Sometimes I still prefer to stay in my box! If we stay in the box we are missing so much! I now have amazing friends I know I can trust. Friends who are patient with me and my battle with anxiety and depression. Friends who are just a text away. I am learning that life outside the box isn't as scary as in the pictures I drew. There are places to go, books to read, the sun is shining even when it's raining because of the people in my life. There are obstacles to overcome and things to do! Sometimes we need to go back and get in the box and retreat. This is where we can go back to reflect and collect ourselves. We just can't stay there because life outside the box is beautiful!
                                                

Lessons I Learned in College

Despite great odds, I graduated from college on December 15, 2017. My degree is in Early Childhood Development and Education with Honors. Here are some of the lessons I learned from college.

1) It does not matter how long it takes to get there as long as you get there and get there to the best of your ability. It took me a long time to get this degree. I took my time and because of that I was really able to focus on my studies and excel. I doubt I would have done as well had I not taken things slowly.

2)  If you make an effort and show you put your best foot forward then you will reap the benefits. At the end of my first Practicum, I got a grade by my Mentor Teacher that was REALLY bad and was not accurate to my performance and could have dropped me a letter grade. After talking to my Practicum Coordinator and Practicum Instructor, I discovered that because of the way I have shown myself at school and in my observations that they took the evaluation with a grain of salt and I still  got A for the Practicum. This was all because they saw the effort and hard work I put in and the type of student I was.

3) I learned what I was capable of for the first time! I wasn't in special classes like I was in high school. I didn't use any accommodations  expect taking test outside of class and having double time. This was a whole new world for me. It was challenging but I had extremely good attendance and because of that I did really well. I also was not afraid to seek help such as with my English papers which is no different from people without my challenges.

4) I learned how important the support system I have is. I never took my support system for granite but college has made me even more thankful for my family and friends. I could not be where I am without them. Yes, I did a majority of the work myself but without them I would not have able to believe I was capable of doing the work and doing it well.

5) I learned to trust people. I have bad experiences with people who did not treat me fairly in a work situation like my 1st Practicum experience but my Mentor Teachers in my 2nd and 3rd Practicum really showed me that I can trust people! They gave me so much confidence in my abilities and their evaluations revealed to me just how capable I am.

6. I learned how to communicate with people. I saw how willing my instructors were willing to how me and my classmates to succeed. I took advantage of every help they were willing to give. I had them go over assignments before they were due and they gave me suggestions. I learned it is okay to ask for help when you need. If people see you wanting to your best, they will willing to help most of the time.

7. Life is truly about the journey and not the destination. The journey of getting through college and then crossing that stage is something I will never forget. I will never forget my days as a college student. The tears I cried and the accomplishments and joy. I will never forget the people I meant along the journey who helped me believe in myself.

Light in The Darkness

Let's face it! Some of us can feel like Charlie Brown at Christmas. Feeling melancholy, alone, tired of of commercialization. We hear "It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year" all the time on the radio this time of year. The sad and harsh reality is that many people find this to be the hardest time of year. Grief over losing a loved one, family dysfunction, financial hardships... the list is endless! These events draw us further and further into the darkness. We find ourselves with a Charlie Brown mindset. The good news is even in the darkness, the light is still there. We just need to walk in obedience response to light.

I am going to tell you the story of a 14 year old girl who once lived in the darkness. It started right when she turned 14. Medically, she started having seizures and tics that were nonstop. Lots of test were done and several theories were given to what going on. During this time, she was home-bound. She could not even go to school. All these test, the nonstop seizures and tics with no diagnoses in sight she became increasingly depressed and suicidal. She was taken to see the best Child/Adolescent Psychiatrist in the city with over 20 years of experience as an emergency situation. Her mother was told she was the most depressed and stubborn teenager he'd ever seen and was at absolute risk of harming herself and completing suicide if left alone. He said it was not impossible but recovery would be a very long process and not happen over night. Little did her family know that her Grandfather was suicidal at the same time and would eventually complete suicide on March 9, 2004.

Recovery was long and hard but it came! Her family was with her every step of the way and never gave up on her. She was transferred to neurology at Cincinnati Children's Hospital and with the help of her oldest brother, she was finally diagnosed with Tourette's. She would be diagnosed with Pseudo Seizures a little later. Having the diagnoses was a major step in the right direction. Getting on medicine to help the seizures and tics and going to school for shorter day made everything better. It was still hard. Total recovery and peace wouldn't come until she was 18. Gradually, she saw light piercing the darkness. She knew how much her Grandfather's suicide affected her family and knew she couldn't do that to them- no matter how hard things got. The light was there but she had to respond to it. She had to see God in her diagnoses in order to make peace of it. She realized in High School that she has a testimony of God who doesn't let go, who is faithful and most importantly a God that is so bigger then depression, anxiety, and any diagnoses. 

This is a VERY short version of this story. The girl in this story in case you do not know is me. I know firsthand the darkness. How lonely it is to be in the darkness! So many situations can place us in the darkness. The turning point for me was seeing how much I was blessed! How my family was so patient and loving towards me, and the love was extended to me from other people and the prayers said on my behalf. My faith was very lacking but somehow I was able to write letters to God in a diary during that. This is the first step- making a cognizant decision to keep your faith no matter how hard the situations you face today or will face in the future. You need to open your eyes to all the ways you are blessed. When you see just how blessed you are the further you step out of the darkness.

This holiday season in obedience choose to see the light and step toward it accordingly.

I will leave you with 2 verses.

John 1:5

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

John 16:33
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Snow!

I haven't written to you since September. A lot has been going on in my life with getting to graduate from college in two weeks and my priority has been to finish strong and to the best of my ability. I have also been thinking and praying a lot about what my plans are after college. Now that I have more time, I plan to focus on writing whenever I can! 

I am currently reading Present over Perfect by Shauna Nieguist for a bible study I am involved with. I am going to discuss a part of the book that spoke to me the most. She starts with a verse from Job. 

"God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. He says to the snow, "Fall on the earth," and to rain shower, "Be a mighty downpour."

Job 37:5-6

Niequist says  "God says to the snow, "Fall on the earth," That's it. Just do one thing. Just fall. And then he says to the rain shower, "Be a might downpour." Essentially, he's saying: just do the thing I've actually created you to do. Your're rain: so rain. You're snow so snow." (p.189) 

So many of us inundate ourselves with task that we were not created to do! We commit to things and have problem saying no to things that we are simply not responsible for. This can lead to resentment, anxiety, exhaustion, and even depression. I also take it to mean that we should not compare ourselves to others. This is an area I personally struggle with. If we were created to only do what He created us then how can we compare ourselves to other people? If I am snow, how can I compare myself to rain and wish I was rain? I think  if we remember this verse and the context of it that we will have a much harder time comparing ourselves to others. 

What are you passionate? What brings you the most joy? Niequist calls doing what we do with ease and lightness our "essential selves." (p 190-191). We tend to walk away that. Our focus leans to be what others want to be. When we fall into this trap, we lose our essential self. We are snow trying to become rain. 

Niequist ask us "What do you need to to leave behind in order to recover that essential self that God created? What do you need to walk away from in order to reclaim those parts if you that God designed, unique to you and for his purposes." (pg 191

Are you ready to be who you were created to be? Stop being rain when you were made to snow! 

Niequist, S. (2016). Present over Perfect . Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

Gideon

Do you ever feel small and weak? Like you can't live up up the expectations of people have on you? Gideon felt that way. In Judges 6-7. we read about his story. The Israelites were doing evil in God's sight. God put them in the dominion of Midian for 7 years. The people of Israel hid out in the mountains. The Midians left them nothing to live on. They were reduced to poverty. They called out to God and He spoke to Gideon through an Angel. Gideon replied. But Lord,” Gideon replied, “how can I rescue Israel? My clan is the weakest in the whole tribe of Manasseh, and I am the least in my entire family!” Judges 6:15. Gideon asked the Angel for several signs to prove that God would help Him and was truly speaking to him. All the signs that Gideon asked for was completed so Gideon complies. Sounds like us, right? We keep asking God for show up before we can trust him. Gideon, only after seeing that was truly God speaking to him complied.

Gideon gathered a huge army to fight Midian. God said he had too many, and asked him to ask his soldiers if they wanted to go home, and 22,000 of them went home. The number is now 10,000 but God says it is still too big. Only 300 soldiers were left to fight Midian. Remember how large it was at the beginning. To make a long story short, Gideon splits his 300 men into 3 groups. He gave each man a rams' horn and told them to shout exactly what they were to say, "For the Lord and for Gideon." (verse 17). They began at midnight by breaking clay jars. and played their rams' horn. They had torches lighting the sky. The Midians ran out, panicking and shouting as they escaped.

I think we are a lot like Gideon. In fact, Gideon is my favorite story in the Bible. I often feel like Gideon. I feel small. I question if I can do all that is expected of me. There were many times in college I doubted that I'd actually graduate. Yet, the God of Gideon is our God. He says if He tells us to do something, He will give us the resources to get it done. We do not have to have signs done for us like Gideon to prove we can trust God. We have stories just like Gideon's all throughout the Bible to show us God is on our side. He is for us and and we are not alone. The Bible proves God is trustworthy 100% of the time.