The Journey

This is going to be extremely hard on me because I am very shy and shut down talking about certain things. My faith is one of them. Very gradually I am working on it. Long story short-  I'm going to be baptized on Easter Sunday. One of the things the Pastor I meant with wanted me to do was basically write out my journey well reassuring me I have to say little to nothing when I'm baptized.

So, I grew up in a very devout Christian home. I was baptized as a baby (where my parents basically stated publicly they'd raise me up in church and lead me into a personal relationship with Jesus). Anyway, one of the HUGE issues for me is not knowing when I was initially saved! I know it had to be before I was baptized when I was 8 year old. When I meant with my Pastor with my mother sitting beside my Pastor asked me why I wanted to be baptized. Now, I am pretty embarrassed to say it but I answered "I want to go swimming!" He had to explain to baptism is. I told this to the Pastor I meant with last month and she explained to me that as an 8 year old that is a common reaction. It also means I was NOT ready to be baptized and probably shouldn't have been. Also, the fact that I have no memories of actually being baptized is a sign I wasn't ready. She told me baptism isn't recommended for anyone under 10.

As a teenager and young adult, there was just this huge void that I can't really explain. Not knowing when I was first saved or having any memories of it. Not having any memories of my baptism. I remember as a child my faith was so strong and connected that that most important piece of the puzzle blended in with everything else. Everyone around me seemed to remember "that moment" in their lives of being saved. Everyone has such special memories of their baptism. For me, as a high school student and young adult, this void was found no more profound then at baptism services. It was like I was missing out on something.

These two things negatively impacted me spiritually. I couldn't believe what the Bible said about me because I didn't know when I was first saved. I was like "Am I really a child of God? I don't remember anything!" I don't even remember the conversation with Mom telling her or telling anyone!

In 2013, my best friend at church moved with her family 45 minutes away. Things as church started to change negatively for me. When she left, I still had my Young Adult Sunday class for a while and that was good. I think they tried to make me included. After awhile, the group dissolved and there was literally no where for me to go. I attended a different SS class but there were a lot of older people and they were wonderful but I couldn't get really anything out of the lessons because it was way over my head. In 2015,  we got a new Pastor and while he is an amazing guy who truly cared about me but the sermons didn't really speak to where I needed. People started ignoring me and I'd end up along  sitting in the lobby just waiting to go home! Sunday mornings were the loneliest time of the week.

My mom sensed enough of a change that she reached out to another mom who's daughter was going through the same thing. She said her daughter just couldn't do it anymore and left. She started doing her own thing at home and was doing better than she had in a long time. My mother talked to me about this and I immediately started to cry. I knew what she was saying. She was letting me go and find my own way. I started staying home from church and watched church services online and I was happier and relaxed and was growing for the first time in several years. We knew it was a band-aid fix though.

My mother probably did the kindest thing for me when after several weeks of home churching she took me to Meadow Park Church of God in June 2017 just to see how I liked it. It was close enough to my former church it wouldn't cause any problems if I found that it was what I needed. My first Sunday there was also the first Sunday of the new Lead Pastor! His sermon was something that spoke directly where I was and he had started a new sermon series called "Fresh Start." I can't really explain but I came out of church that first Sunday actually EXCITED!!! Long story short- I have been there ever since.

Unfortunately- the void and the questions followed me. I was so damaged by my old church and the personal void and questions that I didn't even notice "it!" I didn't notice I had totally turned back on
God to the point of not having a relationship with Him. I was in Church and I was technically growing but I was kinda on a hamster wheel. There was still the void every baptism. The questions. The emptiness. The self-loathing. The fear. The anxiety,

What made me realize all this was my Pastor's sermon series on The Prodigal Son in Luke 15 during Christmastime. It wasn't until then how deep and far the damage went. On New Year's Day I get on facebook and saw something that changed everything! A lady I had been just started talking to the month before was tragically killed in a car accident on her way home from church on New Year's Eve! People were sharing all their memories and stories about her faith. I realized it was not exactly what people would say about me. I'll very simply say that I got right with God that day- and wasn't going through the motions. I sincerely meant it,

I've taken steps backwards but I think overall I am more at peace then I was before. I may never have those answers but I have NEW answers and the void and the questions and doubts are still there! I still get scared and worry more then I should but it is NO WHERE to the degree it was as before. I still have some days when I think "I hate myself" but those are also decreasing.

I still sometimes worry about not having those "first" memories. When I was first saved and when I was  baptized at 8 but I don't feel as bad for not remembering when I was baptized. I don't think I remember the first time I was saved was because as I explained before my faith as a child was so strong I think it all blended together.

March 9, 2004- CHOOSE LIFE!

March 9, 2004 changed my life forever. Before I go into that day, I have to tell you what lead up to this day because it is just as important! This blog entry will go into the darkest time of my life and I tell it because it is so important.. even if it reaches one person. Several years later, it is a story that still reaches people and helps them choose life.

I turned 14 in May of 2003. I won't into the why but that summer I because extremely suicidal. I was even suicidal at the Turner Syndrome Conference that summer in Orlando. I started 8th grade that fall. I started having seizures nonstop and my depression went even deeper. Between my depression and seizures, I could not attend school full time and was almost kept in 8th grade and almost placed on in in-home instruction. On December 2, 2003 I was in the ER all day, When I got home I went into a total meltdown and telling my mother "I just want to die!" over and over.

Three months later, my Grandfather completed suicide. I will never for anything that happened that day. Getting home from school and Mom saying she had to check on Grandpa because Dad had not heard from him all day and it was out of character. I remember the Police Officer knocking on our door to check on my brother and I who were minors at the time and to make sure someone would be with us soon. I remember picking up the phone and Mom telling me to put my brother on. I remember him talking to her and will never forget how he handled me so well. He said "No! No! No!' to Mom so I knew something was very wrong. He told me to sit down and said "Grandpa killed himself this afternoon." I will NEVER forget what he said to me to after that most importantly. It still  speaks to me today. It was like God speaking through him. He told me. "Stop! I know what you are thinking! Stop!" (he knew I was thinking if Grandfather could kill himself so can I) "You have something that Grandpa did not have. You have hope!" I will NEVER forget that. 

His decision to complete suicide is what ultimately drove me to CHOOSE LIFE! It took a LONG TIME. I had so many people praying for me. They prayed I'd choose life, see the light, and also find my way back God (I turned my back on Him the summer of 2003). I started attending Youth Group at a new church which I'd attend until I was 28. I would attend Winter Retreat in West Virginia with them and 600 other teens all 4 years of High School. Those 4 Winter Retreats changed everything for me more then all my appointments with my psychiatrist. My last Winter Retreat in 2008 when I was a Senior was the one that brought about total healing for me. I didn't spend too much time with my youth group that weekend because after the first service we had I knew I needed to be alone and figure things out, let go of anger over my seizures, and just had a lot to work through. I remember coming home and feeling a freedom I had not felt in 4 years. One of my classmates even commented on my demeanor the next day.  

My Grandfather's decision made me see what would happen to my family if I went through with my plans and I knew I simply could not do it and 2 months after his suicide when I turned 15 and survived the most awful year of my life and wasn't even sure I'd see 15, I knew I had chosen life for good! The depression and seizures were still there. I still had see my Psychiatrist often. I have not been off an anti-depressant since I was 14. 

Because I chose life  I graduated from high school. I have been able to travel a lot and see friends around the country. I graduated from College with honors. I got to meet my nephew last year! I learned how to cook. I work full time in my field. I have been able enjoy so much all because of 2 simple words... choose life! That's literally all it takes. 

I hope you never have to learn things the way I did. I hope you never have to go through everything I went through that horrible year This story does have take-aways though no matter who you are.

1) You matter to people more than you know.

2) There are so many blessing in every day life. 

3) Healing is slow sometimes but it is there.

4) Hope is always there and comes from people you least expect it. 

5). Choosing life is an every day decision and life is more then just getting through the day. Life is inside us, it is in the blessings, it's in those quiet moments and family noisiness! It is in the mundane and extraordinary! 

Bangor Chronicles: Swimming

My mother and I took adult swimming lessons for five weeks. It was a lot of fun. I learned how how to the breaststroke and mastered my freestyle and backstroke. My breaststroke is a work of a progress but it is correct. Just need to build up my endurance.

One thing I learned is that with swimming, muscle memory is hard to accomplish but is very important. It is hard to change something you have doing different from what the stroke calls for. Knowing what you are supposed to do and having the timing is hard.

When we think about life, we need a form of muscle training. We need to remember the right path to go and not depart from it. More and more, sin is becoming normalized. We rationalize our sins so we can keep on doing what we are doing. We want to continue doing what we are doing and because sin makes us feel guilty, we lighten it up to make us not feel guilty.

Where does being complacent and not remembering the things we are supposed to get us? NO WHERE! When we swim the wrong way, we are going to continue to swim the wrong way. The longer we swim the wrong way, the harder it is to learn a better way to swim- the right way.

Just like our muscles need to be trained to swim the right way- our heart and our minds need to learn to live the right way. How do we train our hearts and minds to go the way it should go? Some of it is basic common sense- going to church and praying. DISCLAIMER: I do not judge anyone who does not go to church and still share in the Christian faith. I believe it is more important to live out our faith and living for God then it is going Church  every Sunday. Church is only a building. Living it out is so much more important. Knowing where you are going is more important. Having friends to help retrain your muscles is important. It is important to train your mind using a part of Philippians 4 that tells us where we are suppose to focus.

Philippians 4:8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

To be completely honest and transparent, I really struggle with this and I am really working on it. I have been negative about a lot of different things. I have become cynical about God. I have been seeing things through a worldly lens and have seeing things as coincidence instead of something that had been orchestrated by God.

We got to learn to swim the right way. We need to approach live the right way. We need to see sin as what it really is and not rationalize it and make excuses.  We need to train our minds so we can in the righteousness that we called to.

Bangor Chronicles- Zach gets Baptized!

On March 4, 2018 I had the honor and privilege of seeing my precious nephew Zachary get baptized! It was such a special day and he had the congregation laughing! As parents today, raising their children in the Christian faith is harder then ever. When parents like Zachary's have their child baptized or dedicated it is so refreshing. It gives hope to the world! One of the reasons I want to work at a Christian preschool one day is because of this. I want to support these parents and let them know that they are not alone. Zach has a family filled of faith and because of that Zach will know the way he should go. Proverbs 22:6 promises "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. (NLT). I know this is true because I was raised in a devout Christian home. As a child, I remember being in church every time the doors were open. I was a Deacon's kid and my whole world centered around Jesus Christ and the church. The hardest part of being raised in a home of faith like I was is is making faith our own and not something that becomes complacent. Going to church or believing in God simply isn't enough. We need to make it personal because God is personal God. I expect Zach will have issues in his walk because we all do. I will do my best to encourage him and help him understand faith means nothing if it is not personal. I want him to feel comfortable asking the hard questions about faith such as "Why do bad things happen to good people?" It is good and healthy to have these questions. These questions help us develop our worldview. An example of this concept is when we ask "Why does God allow bad things to happen?" We will be more prone to finding the answer, searching and seeing God in those situations. After 9/11 more people went to church then ever before to help them answer that question. People who are not Christians even ask these questions because whether they admit it or not they want know that there is a God who can meet them where they are and heal their wounds. This is why we saw an entire nation, an entire world, searching for God after 9/11. I want Zach to learn how to be a strong boy and men of faith in this world. I want him to see past the headlines. I want him to be secure enough in himself and his faith that he is not easily swayed by the actions of his peers. I want him to go by his own drum and know that if he loses friends in the process it is their loss. I am so blessed to have been raised in close-knit family filled of faith in which I learned how to make my faith my own and not just see is as part of my family. I think that is the most important thing Christian parents can teach their child- to make their faith own and not something that is just a part of their family. I am certain that this is how we will raise Zachary. The family raises the child with the parents! I am blessed to know the type of home my nephew will be raised. The way our parents raised us is being passed down because just like the verse in Proverbs, we didn't depart from it.

Bangor Chronicles: Disney

On February 5th, the folks, Bangor and I went to Disney World to celebrate my college graduation. On Monday we went to Magic Kingdom, on Tuesday we went to Epcot, on Wednesday, we went to Animal Kingdom, on Thursday we went to Universal Studios and back to Magic Kingdom. We did Avatar and it was worth waiting over 2 hours! We did the Seven Dwarfs Mine Ride, It's a Small World, Peter Pan's flight, Space Mountain, and so much more!

We stayed at the Art of Animation and it was great! We stayed in the Cars Family Suites and I had my own bedroom and bathroom which I really appreciated. It gave me some "me time" which I need. We did things differently then when my Mom and I went in 2015. We did not get the meal plan and had food delivered. This saved us a lot of money and I would recommend that families do it that way.  You eat what you want and not any more. You don't worry about losing money because you did not use a snack you were allotted or and stuff like that.

My favorite park is EPCOT. I really like the World Showcase, Soarin', Spaceship Earth, and the adorable Nemo ride. Soarin' was different from when my mother and I rode it in 2015 and we both thought was greatly improved. I particularly loved the different smells that were added. It added a whole other dimension. My mother and I did not like Animal Kingdom so much when we went in 2015 but we loved it this time as it had improved greatly and we spent more time there then we did the last time.

We did all the night shows at the different parks. It is really hard to say which one is the best because they are all so different. I loved  Illumination at Epcot. I will never forget the child near me pointing at the globe and literally named all the continents. I am 28 and I can't do that! I thought the fireworks at Magic Kingdom and thought that it has gotten much better.

I am so thankful to my folks for taking me. We had a great time! I could not stop thinking of little Zach and how I can't wait to take him when he reaches the perfect age!

Mentoring

Before I begin have two things to tell you! First off, if you like what you are reading please share! It would make it make my day! Secondly, next week my folks, Bangor  the Moose and I are going to Disney to celebrate my graduation which means there will be no blog next week. In 2 weeks I will begin a 4 week Bangor Chronicles series on each park so be on the look out for that.

**************************
For the past three or four years I mentored two little girls in the Inner City. I was with one little girl for two or three years and another little girl for one year. I do not do it anymore but I learned some things along the way. The first thing I learned is selflessness when you would rather do something else. When we had mentoring during the winter months or if it was day it was raining it was much harder for me to go then when the sun is shining and the temps are terrific. When it is really cold and rainy, I would much rather stay home in the evening reading a book and watching TV. It is much harder going out on a night when it is cold  and dreary.

The second thing I learned was we are making a difference even when it feels we are not. Sometimes I felt especially with the girl I had for one year that I was not reaching her or that she thought positively about me as her Mentor. I will never forget when the little girl I had for two or three years painted a picture and wrote "I love Molly" on it more than once. I honestly didn't realize that or that I was making a difference in her life. I will never know how these two young ladies turn out. I know that whether or not I will see the results of my time with them that I made a difference in the time I did have with them. I really hope so!

I learned that we are not much different from the down and out. The kids in the mentoring program came from broken homes. Many were without fathers. It is easy judge families like theirs. I can honestly I did initially. The thing is we only a few bad decisions from being in their shoes. We have no room to judge when we come to realization we can easily be their shoes. We could lose our income and everything all too easily and then we learn how much like we all are. Tough times doesn't discriminate! It can hit anyone in the blink of the eye!

I learned how good it feels to get out of ourselves to help someone else. When I went to mentoring I knew it was not about me, it was about my child and helping her live up to her potential and support her. We live in a very self-absorbed society. I can personally attest to the fact the being self-absorb can lead to depression and anxiety. When we become self-absorb, we become insecure and we want to know what everyone thinks about us and if they think are fine. When we take our minds on ourselves and take time to help someone else, we find freedom! We realize in helping others that we feel less self-absorbed and thus less anxious and depressed.

Here are someways that we can help others. These are just a few! The list can go on much longer.

1) Volunteer
2) Send a card (NOT AN EMAIL OR TEXT) to someone you have not talked to for a long time.
3) If it is financially possible, sponsor a child. I have personally sponsored a child  through Compassion ever since 2013 and it has been a very positive and rewarding experience.
4) If you see someone who seems lonely or sad, reach out to them and start a conversation.
5) Take a meal to someone who is sick or is going through a stressful time.

In closing, how did you feel when someone reached out to? How did you feel when you were able to talk to them without a fear or being judged. What did you learn from the wisdom of someone? Do you remember what they said? Do you still live by the wisdom they imparted on you? What would it be like if someone felt that way about you? What can you do to that will make someone feel they can talk to without being judged? What can you do to kindly use what you learned to give them wisdom? How would you  feel if someone remembered you years from now just because you reached out to them with love and compassion? We may never see the impact we have- and maybe that is a good thing as a way to keep us humble. Just remember what you say, do, and thing matters everyday in much larger way then you imagine!

A Sad Trend

We all know millennials are leaving the church in droves. The church is having a hard time meeting the needs of this generation. My Pastor had started a new sermon series titled Courageous. The first Sunday he was preaching in this series, he gave us cold hard facts. He told us that recently there was a lunch of about 50 ladies and they all had adult children. When they were asked if their adult children attend the Church only 2 raised their hands.

Pew Research Center has an article title America's Changing Religious Landscape. It is it says "One of the most important factors in the declining share of Christians and the growth of the “nones” is generational replacement. As the Millennial generation enters adulthood, its members display much lower levels of religious affiliation, including less connection with Christian churches, than older generations." 


I am a 28 year old millennial and I have seen this as the total reality. I have been personally impacted by this trend. The Church has yet to learn how to reach out to this particular challenging generation. If it does not change, the ramifications can go much deeper. Some churches do\ well in reaching out to this challenging generation. Luckily I have found a church that is truly wonderful about it. People may say that it is not a problem but with that attitude can result in tragic outcomes- more tragic then we need can imagine. 

I believe there are many factors to this issues. I will name the first few that run off the top of my head. One is people in this generation haven't learned how to make their faith their own. They see it is something that their parents believe and it was simply how they were raised. Once they turn 18 because they haven't learned how to make their faith own they decide to leave. Churches don't make enough of an effort to reach out to people in this generation or they try but they could do more. They need to make programming available for this generation- even if there are not many millennials in a particular congregation. When they read in the bulletin that a Bible Study meets for people like us it sends this message... "This church cares about me. This church believes me." Churches need to do research on what  our needs are, what attracts us and what sets us off. The more churches learn about about us the more they will be able reach us where we are. Parents of kids through the age 17 need to help their child make their faith their own. They need to help them see it not just apart of what their family but a part of them as an individual. 

I truly believe it is not too late to change this sad tread. I do believe that we need to change this now before it will be too late. I believe the church needs to be courageous and stop being complacent. I believe we as a Nation needs to back it's Christian foundation and I believe that the millennials can lead that change but before that happens the Church needs to stands up! NOW! 

http://www.pewforum.org/2015/05/12/americas-changing-religious-landscape/