Serving Is Healing

When I was in 8th grade, I went through an extremely dark period in my life. During that summer in 2003, my entire personality changed. I stopped writing. I wrote a lot before then. I stopped singing. I turned my back on God. I became extremely suicidal and depressed. I behaved horribly because I had so much anger. I would draw a picture of a stick person and would draw lines going out from the stick person. I would write words like "mistake" and trash." This was how I expressed my emotions to my parents about how I saw myself.

I started 8th grade and a few weeks afterwards the seizures and tics started. My depression and suicidal thoughts also become more severe. I had a Special Education teacher that year who happened to be a Christian. She had my one of my brothers previously and knew my parents. She knew I was being raised in a Christian home. Despite it being a public school, she prayed for me when we were in the classroom alone together. She would tell me that God had a plan for my life and  He was going to use me. I can still hear her saying "Kick Satan in the butt!" She told me that God was going to use  what I was going through. She would remind me of Jeremiah 29:11 that reads "For I know the plans I have for you." declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.

She had the gift of discernment and knew I needed to actually see what she was talking about- that I needed to tangibly see God using me and His plan for me. Early into the school year, she talked to the teachers in the Daily Living Skills class for children with severe disabilities. After talking to my mom, she asked them if I could help out in their classroom on a regular basis. I would see them in the mornings before school, when I went to school in the morning (I was unable to handle a full day of school so flip-flopped my morning and afternoon classes with adapted assignments). I helped them out on field trips, took some of them to the cafeteria to get their lunches and helped them bring it back to their classroom. I would have lunch with them everyday. I remember my time in that classroom and how much it helped me see that there a purpose for my life. I helped the teachers with the kids but I got so much more out of being in that classroom then I probably gave. I found my purpose in life and that was to help kids with disabilities. I did not stop working with them after I went on High School. I continued to hang out them and have lunch with them. I considered it to be safe place for me when I couldn't emotionally handle being in the regular lunch room. I remained a part of the community and it changed my life forever. I was able to heal because I was given the opportunity to serves these kids and their teachers and truly make an impact. These were the kids that were often ignored but I was able to connect to them. I was able to see beyond my own pain and think about others and although I was still depressed and suicidal I was able to hang out that lifeline and it saved my life.

My time in their classroom actually lead to the major I chose and the career that I love- Early Childhood Development and Education. Yes, these kids  were not early childhood but I was able to think about a career in education because of my time with them. I decided in 8th grade by working with them that I wanted to a Preschool teacher. I want to work with children like them but at a much younger age before they begin school. I want to work in an inclusive classroom where they are taught with their typically developing in a way that is appropriate for them. I want to work with their parents and guide them through the Special Education process. I want to tell them my story and give them hope if they want to hear it. I was once in a preschool classroom like that- as a Special Needs student. My mom would literally carry me in to school because I could not walk very well.  I want to give them hope for their children and learn that a diagnoses is only a diagnosis. It is such a small part of their child.

Serving and thinking of others is truly one of the best cures for depression. If I hadn't been able to spend time with those kids everyday I would have missed out on knowing what it is I am suppose to do! We get so caught up in how we are feel that we forget that there are other people going through things that are much more challenging. When we serve them, we feel better and we find our true healing. Serving those kids in 8th grade and High School was what healed me.

We live in a world where we are told told to "look out for number 1." We place our identity on petty things like the number of likes we get on facebook, our degrees, our careers. Wouldn't we feel less anxious if we focused less on ourselves but focusing on others instead? Isn't that what Jesus did? He did not think of Himself at all. Remember what you do for the least of these, you do onto God. 

What is Rest?

What does it mean to rest in God? This is a question in which I have wracked my brain to find the answer for. Let's get going! There is a lot of meat to this biblical issue of rest. 

We are a society, where the more you do, the more successful you are or the more successful you will be. 

We are on hyper-overdrive with commitments, text and emails to respond to, phone calls to make. The list goes on and on. We are overstimulated but because of the nature of our society, we do feel overly stimulated. This is why we need to hyper-vigilant of our mental health. Anxiety and and depression are on the rise, because of the face pace in our society. We are not in Mayberry anymore- as nice as that would be. Let's digest ways to find rest though our relationship with Jesus. 

The first thing is that worry and faith cannot coexist together. When we pray and start worrying about what we pray for, we in effect cancel out what we had just prayed. 

We can only find spiritual rest when we stop trying to do things in our own strength and when we invite God to bring spiritual rest and renewal. 

When we acknowledge who God is and that He is the creator of us and everything we see, our spirits lift. We learn to rest in God when we remember He is our helps and hope. True rest can be found simply by praising Him for who He is- despite how we feel in the given moment. 

Here are two ways to find rest in God. 

Casting Your Cares- casting Him our cares like a fisherman cast fish. When we give our worries to God, we are assigned help, rest and hope for getting through it. 

Release Attachment to Outcome- No longer living in fear of "what-if's or lose faith when things don't go our way. When we pray this way, we trust God with the outcome and give Him control. 

I hope this helps you and I find REAL rest in a society that forgets what real rest is! 

When Fear Calls

Fear is an ugly 4 letter word. It is draining. Fear can lead into depression. It can also cause one to feel discontent. 

I was listening to a podcast this afternoon. It is of a sermon. The Pastor had an illustration that really helped me. I am very visual and what he said really stayed with me. He had his phone keep going off while he was talking. To make a long story short, he said he did that on purpose. He said he wanted to show that no matter how many times a phone may ring (or in this case fear), we do not need to answer it.  We can dismiss it. He also took it a step further saying that Satan calls, we can decide to dismiss him. If he want us to feel bad about ourselves, we can dismiss that to. 

There are going to be days where fear calls us more than other. There will days when Satan tries constantly to get through to us. We have a choice if we answer the call or dismiss it. Somedays, it will be harder to dismiss the call the others. Days when we don't feel good physically are a good example about days when it is harder to dismiss Satan's calls. This is because we are weaker and more vulnerable when we do not feel good. 

I hope this helps you as much as it helped me. I am going to wrap this up with a song and a verse to encourage us as we learn to decline those calls from fear and from Satan! 

Psalm 31:25- She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future

Joy Beyond Circumstance

One of the things that we learned during the pandemic that mental health is a crisis here in this country. Mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety are getting diagnosed at a much younger age. People with Mental Illness are unable to get the help they need because mental health issues are typically not covered by insurance. I personally know this and am impacted. 

So how do we find joy in difficult circumstances? I did some research and I found helpful insight. I am personally dealing this, so this is as much for me as for you. Let's distinguish the difference between happiness and joy. 

Happiness- feeling that life is good and you can help but smile.

Joy- Feeling great pleasure that is limitless, life-defining and transformative. 

In other words- happiness is circumstantial and we only feel it when everything is going our way. Joy transcends any circumstance and is limitless. 

Nehemiah 8:10 tells us, "The Joy of the Lord is our strength." 

Let's discuss how we get there. 

The first thing that we need to do is realize that there is an enemy that is waiting to use present circumstances against us. He will use anything opportunity to shake and attack our faith. When we say, "Nothing is going to steal my joy!", we are saying that God is bigger than any problem we face, and we are choosing to trust Him. We need to the Lord immediately when we recognize we are under attack. We need to stand on the truth of God's worked and refuse to let the devil rattle our faith. We have the power to change the structure of our brains by redirecting our thoughts. if we are more conscious about what we are putting into our mind, we will change the way we think. This does not happen overnight and takes a lot of practice. I also find it interesting that another way to fill our mind with truth is with habitual gratitude. I think this is because it helps us to remember what God did for us in the past and that He can do it again. 

I hope this helps you as much has helped me! 

Good Judge/Bad Judge

I am currently reading 1 Corinthians and I just read commentary on 1 Corinthians 4 this morning and something really struck me. Paul did not care what they thought of him. He did not even judge himself! He didn't judge himself because as humans, he realized our estimation of ourselves is usually wrong. We are either too hard or too easy on ourselves. He knew the Lord was the judge of him. He knew his righteousness came from Jesus- not from anything he did. 

I felt convicted reading that because I judge myself extremally harsh. Knowing God is my judge, brought me a little peace to because I know He loved me enough to send His son to die for me and loves me so much He would do it again. Don't think this is easy for me to say- it is hard for me to say and believe. It starts with beginning by remember God is and how big He is and how small we are by comparison. When we acknowledge how big He is, we can say "Who am I too judge?" When we think of judgement, we tend to think about the type of people we judge and don't realize how often we judge ourselves.  I am currently learning how vital it is to focus on God and not on myself. I need to remind myself constantly who God is in relation to MY life. We are much harder on ourselves then the people around us. We are very inwardly directed as society so people don't think about us as often we think of ourselves or as much as we think they think of us. 

Some action steps: 

1: Identify ways you judge yourself. 

2) Look at the situation though God's eyes using the Bible as your frame of reference

3) God give you grace- ask him to help you do the same. This is something you cannot do without His help. 

Victim to Victor

Let's be honest! Life can be cruel, and people can be even crueler! We can do absolutely nothing wrong and be completely blindsided the next minute! I have been a victim of people telling me what I cannot do. I was told to my face that I would not about to anything. I have been denied jobs and worse because of people not giving me a chance and putting me in a box because I look a different way and act a different way. They don’t understand that if they work with me, I can achieve my goals and their goals! I do my best and do all the right things such as regularly touching base and asking questions. 

I should have peace, but while I know I do all the right things and leave no stone unturned; I take everything- including what other people say and do onto myself. In other words, I take their words and actions and make them apart of my identity, so I feel miserable, anxious, and depressed. 

God says in His word, we are more the conquerors in Him, and no weapon against us still stand. We are called to be victors instead of victims. How do we stop seeing ourselves as victims? I think it is sometimes easier to live as victims because we get to hold onto instead of moving forward. Moving forward seems scarier. I know for me, sometimes I fall into a mindset that I DESERVE to miserable because "IT IS MY FAULT." This is personalizing a situation and not seeing the many aspects of the situation that may indeed not be 1. Be your fault 2. Could be more about the other person then it reflects you. 

Here are some practical steps you and I can take starting today to move us from victim to victor.

1. Don't personalize the situation if you did everything you could and do not understand. There may be moving parts behind the scenes that have nothing to do with you. 

2. Memorize scripture that show victory. My personal go-to verse for such situations is Proverbs 31:25 - She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.

3. Write down the opposite of what you are thinking and feeling. Train your brain to focus on positive things and not negative things. 

4. Go to God first. It is easy to vent to friends first and this seems to be our natural go-to but our natural go-should be to go to God first. 

March 9, 2004- Choosing Hope

 

                                         

March 9, 2004 changed my life forever. Before I go into that day, I must tell you what lead up to this day because it is just as important! This blog entry will go into the darkest time of my life and I tell it because it is so important. even if it reaches one person. Several years later, it is a story that still reaches people and helps them choose life.

I turned 14 in May of 2003. I won't into the why but that summer I became extremely suicidal. I had even written a suicide note. I started 8th grade that fall. I started having seizures nonstop almost immediately at the beginning of the school year and my depression went even deeper. Between my depression and seizures, I could not attend school full time and was almost kept in 8th grade and almost placed on in in-home instruction. On December 2, 2003 I was in the ER all day mainly because of the severity of the seizures. It ended up being a waste of time and no one saw me that day except for a Child Life Specialist.  When I got home, I went into a total meltdown and telling my mother "I just want to die!" and "I am going to kill myself" repeatedly. This was ironically also the anniversary of my sister's death. I will never forget the love and strength and calmness she showed that day.  We put on Princess Diaries, and I fell asleep with my head on Mom's lap. The next day, she had me home from school. She made several phones including my Youth Pastor, Dr, school, and put me on every prayer chain she could find. My Dr immediately referred me to see a psychiatrist and got an appointment only because I was suicidal. They had no openings and had to squeeze me in. 

Three months later, my Grandfather completed suicide. I will never forget anything that happened that day. Getting home from school and Mom saying she had to check on Grandpa because Dad had not heard from him all day and it was out of character. I remember the Police Officer knocking on our door to check on my brother and I who were minors at the time and to make sure someone would be with us soon. I remember picking up the phone and Mom telling me to put my brother on. I remember him talking to her and will never forget how he handled me so well. He said "No! No! No!' to Mom so I knew something was very wrong. He told me to sit down and said, "Grandpa killed himself this afternoon." I will NEVER forget what he said to me after that most importantly. It still speaks to me today. It was like God speaking through him. He told me. "Stop! I know what you are thinking! Stop!" (he knew I was thinking if our grandfather could kill himself so can I) "You have something that Grandpa did not have. You have hope!" I will NEVER forget that. 

My Grandfather's decision made me see what would happen to my family if I went through with my plans and I knew I simply could not do it. 2 months after his suicide, I turned 15 and survived the most awful year of my life when I wasn’t even sure I'd see 15, I knew I had chosen life for good! I will never forget that my Youth Group had put a huge Surprise Birthday party.. cake, decorations and presents included. It was the first time in that whole year where I was able to laugh, smile and be happy! I hadn't been that happy for so long it took a long time for me to get use to it. The depression and seizures were still there. I still had see my Psychiatrist often but I knew I survived and that was the biggest hurdle. I have not been off an anti-depressant since I was 14 but I am a fighter. 

His decision to complete suicide is what ultimately drove me to CHOOSE LIFE! It took a LONG TIME. I had so many people praying for me. They prayed I'd choose life, see the light, and find my way back God (I turned my back on Him the summer of 2003). I started attending Youth Group at a new church which I'd attend until I was 28. I didn't really like Youth Group because I didn't fit in and no one really understood me. I would attend Central Ohio Nazarene Youth International Winter Retreat in West Virginia with them and 600 other teens all 4 years of High School. This the best part of Youth Group for me. I never felt so close to God and felt His presence in such a powerful way to that point! Those 4 Winter Retreats changed everything for me more then all my appointments with my psychiatrist. I felt so close to God and felt His presence in t

My last Winter Retreat in 2008 when I was a Senior was the one that brought about total healing for me. I didn't spend too much time with my Youth Group that weekend because after the first service we had I knew I needed to be alone and figure things out, let go of anger over my seizures, and just had a lot to work through. I got right with God that weekend and came back to Him. I remember coming home and feeling a freedom I had not felt in 4 years. One of my classmates even commented on my demeanor the next day.  

Because I chose life I graduated from high school. I have been able to travel a lot and see friends around the country. I graduated from college with honors. I became an aunt in 2017 to the most precious little boy.  I learned how to cook. I work full time in my field. I have been able enjoy so much all because of 2 simple words... choose life! That's literally all it takes. 

I hope you never have to learn things the way I did. I hope you never have to go through everything I went through that horrible year This story does have take-aways though no matter who you are.

1) You matter to people more than you know.

2) There are so many blessing in everyday life. 

3) Healing is slow sometimes, but it is there.

4) Hope is always there and comes from people you least expect it to. 

5). Choosing life is an everyday decision and life is more than just getting through the day. Life is inside us, it is in the blessings, it's in those quiet moments and family noisiness! It is in the mundane and extraordinary!